


Are You Awake?

by kpopismydrug



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Enlistment Fic, Heavy Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love, tlist is once again to blame for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 21:57:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6584104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kpopismydrug/pseuds/kpopismydrug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was just too late to tell him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Are You Awake?

**Author's Note:**

> Originally inspired by [this](http://i364.photobucket.com/albums/oo86/BreakingVines/Livejournal/tumblr_nioqp1eq3x1t1y7i5o1_500_zpsyqwpjdtg.jpg), but then tlist got hold of it and...yeah. 
> 
> I am not responsible for this, just so you all know *runs*

 

 

 

 

 

 

You ever have that moment of regret where you wished you said something, but didn’t?

 

That very moment that just churns inside your mind, causing you to make up different scenarios that could have ended that moment the way you wanted it to, rather than how it did.

 

Some nights, it can even keep you wide awake, almost obsessed with it.

 

Some days, it can just drag you down as you see the reminder, see something that could’ve went a different way than it did.

 

That’s how Kyuhyun feels.

 

It’s how he’s felt for a long time, actually.

 

Seeing the pictures of Donghae being with Changmin and Siwon, seeing how they’re still close, able to work with each other during their army service, makes Kyuhyun both relieved and disappointed.

 

He’s relieved that all three are coping with each other, that they can turn to each other and get support.

 

But he’s disappointed in a very selfish sense.

 

Donghae looks like he’s finally adjusted to army life, his smiles are less strained now, his eyes look less dull.

 

He looks great.

 

Kyuhyun swallows the familiar ache away.

 

He hasn’t spoken to the older male ever since the male had been rushed to hospital due being unwell, and even then it wasn’t a private call. Leeteuk and Heechul had been present, the call being on loudspeaker.

 

So really, the last time he truly exchanged private words with the older male, was probably at the very start of Donghae’s service where they had swapped letters, before the male was allowed to have his phone back.

 

Kyuhyun still has those letters. They’re tucked away in his dresser drawer in his bedroom.

 

Which is sad, really.

 

It’s like he’s holding onto letters from an ex-lover, when really, no such thing has ever existed between them.

 

Kyuhyun sighs, unable to focus, and looks out of hotel room window at the view he has of Tokyo.

 

He has moments like this, where he allows his mind to wander, to allow it pick apart pieces he securely locks away.

 

It’s a little sad, really. He’s had a crush on his band member, a dear friend, for as long as he can remember.

 

Can he even call it a crush now? What with it being so long?

 

And do you know what the worst thing is?

 

Donghae knows.

 

He’s known for years.

 

Kyuhyun tucks his knees up to his chin, resting back firmly against the headboard of the bed he was sitting on.

 

The moment that Kyuhyun has obsessed over for years, is the very moment that Donghae took him aside, and asked Kyuhyun one question.

 

_“Am I only a hyung to you, Kyuhyun-ah?”_

 

Kyuhyun bites his lip. Donghae’s voice was still clear in his head, even after all of these years.

 

Kyuhyun – so young, still fumbling his way with the group and the industry, but very much attracted to his older group member and close friend – reacted as you would expect.

 

_“You’re more than just a hyung, you’re a friend too.”_

 

Kyuhyun is so used to the self-loathing and regret now that he doesn’t even flinch any more to his reply that echoes around his head and soul.

 

He will never forget that moment.

 

Donghae had avoided him for a little while after that, which had confused Kyuhyun at the time because he thought he had answered the male correctly.

 

It took him a few years to learn the truth.

 

By then, it was too late.

 

_“Yeah, I had a mild crush on you,” Donghae says easily, still making himself a sandwich whilst Kyuhyun’s heart drops to his toes. “It’s why I asked.”_

_“You weren’t very clear about it,” Kyuhyun chokes out._

_Donghae looks over at him at that, frowning. “We had been flirting and touching more than normal then, I thought that was pretty clear, hence why I asked.”_

_Before Kyuhyun can retort, Donghae turns back to his food._

_“But then I realised it was just me seeing it as flirting.”_

_“But it wasn’t just you,” Kyuhyun whispers, heart close to breaking through his chest as he blurts it out._

_Donghae freezes._

_And Kyuhyun wishes he never said a word._

_“Ah, you liked me back?” Donghae asks, slightly awkward now._

_Kyuhyun can read the male clearly._

_“Yeah, I liked you,” Kyuhyun admits, and then breaks his heart with his own words. “But it’s fine, you were just a crush, just like how I was for you, right?”_

_Donghae seems to sag a little._

_Kyuhyun feels sick at such reaction._

_“Yeah, you were.”_

 

Kyuhyun looks back to the phone he had dropped beside him, not wanting to see those three smiling with others.

 

He likes to think he’s managed his feelings for the male over the years. He doesn’t openly favour the older male in questions concerning, ‘if you had to date a member, who would it be?’ and he also tried to keep the touching to a minimum.

 

Sometimes, that didn’t work. Super Show 5 was a prime example of that, and Kyuhyun had almost deluded himself into thinking that Donghae has feelings for him again due to how close they had gotten.

 

He was wrong, of course.

 

Donghae had soon got bored of him and moved onto another member to torment during the shows.

 

But whenever the older male did return to him, it only caused Kyuhyun to ache all the more for something he could never have.

 

Kyuhyun had hoped that Donghae’s and his own army service would be enough distance for him to finally get over his feelings for the male.

 

But as he scrolls through Donghae’s Instagram, smiling at the older pictures and videos of the male before he enlisted, he knows that it isn’t working.

 

Maybe he’s just destined to want someone he can never have.

 

Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling him that love does exist, but not everyone is allowed to experience it happily.

 

Or maybe he needs to drop the male completely from his life.

 

Kyuhyun flinches at that.

 

No. He can never do that.

 

Donghae means too much to him, on all levels of relationships.

 

Donghae was a hyung, a loyal friend, and an unrequited love.

 

He was everything.

 

Kyuhyun startles as his phone rings, and he smiles at seeing the contact.

 

Minho was currently in Japan, and while the biggest drinker of their little line was currently in Seoul, making new friends in the army, Kyuhyun and Minho could still party without Changmin.

 

As he gets himself ready to meet the younger male in the hotel bar, Kyuhyun hopes that the little slump he’s put himself in due to seeing Donghae’s face, will disappear by the end of the night.

 

And if it doesn’t, then the alcohol will make him forget it, even if it’s for a few hours.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kyuhyun can barely walk in a straight line from the door of his hotel room to the bed in the room.

 

But he makes it. Just.

 

Seeing the front of his phone flash up with the blue notification light, Kyuhyun drags it to himself, curious.

 

He had left his phone so he could prevent himself from using it as an excuse to see Donghae alongside Changmin.

 

Kyuhyun squints at the brightness of his screen, barely able to decipher the words.

 

Kyuhyun’s heart practically launches out of his chest in pure shock at the message.

 

_Good luck in Japan! Don’t steal all the fans ;p_

 

The message was from Donghae, sent four hours ago.

 

Kyuhyun has to check that it is indeed Donghae’s contact he’s seeing before he believes it.

                                              

Just when he was trying to have a moment’s peace, the male still finds a way to capture his attention.

 

Kyuhyun has sent a reply before he even realises he’s responding.

 

_Are you awake?_

 

And then Kyuhyun has a moment of either pure brilliance or another moment he’s going to regret too.

 

_Please don’t be asleep. I’m drunk, and I need to tell you how much I love you._

 

Kyuhyun waits.

 

And waits.

 

But no reply comes.

 

Kyuhyun passes out before the regret can emotionally destroy him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kyuhyun has deleted the message.

 

It hurt to see the little ‘seen at…’ note at the bottom of his message, but no reply to follow it.

 

Kyuhyun is once again bitter and full of regret.

 

It’s like he’s stepped back a few years.

 

Kyuhyun is just thankful he’s got the tour to keep him distracted.

 

He doesn’t want to imagine how he could have taken the rejection with nothing to distract him from how sore he feels.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When the vibration of his phone drags him out of his sleep, he is tempted to ignore it.

 

However, he’s just finished his tour in Japan and it’s his first night back in his own bed, and his phone has been blowing up all day with messages of congratulations on a successful tour.

 

Rolling over onto his back as he unlocks his phone, Kyuhyun squints as he opens up the messaging app, seeing five different messages waiting for him.

 

Kyuhyun goes through them one by one, smiling at his friends words.

 

But then he gets to the last one, and his smile is wiped off his face.

 

_Are you awake?_

_Please don’t be asleep. I’m drunk, and I need to tell you how much I love you._

 

Kyuhyun is pretty fucking sure he’s deleted this message.

 

Kyuhyun checks the date, then sucks in a choked breath as he realises it was today’s date, and it was sent three hours ago.

 

Kyuhyun gives himself a head rush as he sits up, phone pressed to his ear, as the call goes through.

 

Donghae’s voicemail kicks in, and Kyuhyun hangs up without leaving a message.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a few weeks later, and Kyuhyun is finally home after celebrating his first performance of Mozart.

 

He’s buzzed, not drunk.

 

Yet, what he texts Donghae, says something differently.

 

_Are you awake?_

_Please don’t be asleep. I’m drunk, and I need to tell you how much I love you._

 

Kyuhyun waits, to see if he will get a response at this late hour.

 

He’s not surprised when he doesn’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s only two weeks later when Donghae texts him again.

 

And since Kyuhyun’s workload is chaotic due to the late theatre performances and rehearsals, plus filming for Radio Star and Celebrity Bromance, he misses it completely.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kyuhyun is stressed, emotionally wiped out due to how much Mozart is taking out of him, and he’s also coming down with something, so he feels like shit too.

 

Kyuhyun doesn’t even care that he hasn’t had a drop of alcohol past his lips.

 

He sends it anyway.

 

_Are you awake?_

_Please don’t be asleep. I’m drunk, and I need to tell you how much I love you._

 

Kyuhyun sighs, snuggles further into his duvet, and tries to will away the thumping headache he has.

 

The ringing of his phone scares the shit out of him.

 

Fumbling with it so see who it was, Kyuhyun almost drops it completely at seeing Donghae’s name.

 

“Fuck,” Kyuhyun wheezes, not ready, not prepared.

 

What the fuck is he going to say??

 

He quickly answers it before the call can end.

 

_“Isn’t it a little early to be drunk?_ ” comes Donghae’s soft voice.

 

Kyuhyun stares at his wall, unable to think.

 

He hears Donghae’s soft sigh. _“Have you passed out?”_

 

“I’m not drunk,” Kyuhyun hoarsely admits, heart tripping.

 

_“Oh.”_

 

“You can hang up now,” Kyuhyun says weakly, fidgeting with the duvet.

 

“ _Why would I want to hang up?”_ Donghae asks, confused.

 

“Because…I’m not drunk?” Kyuhyun states slowly, confused himself now.

 

_“So you’ve soberly confessed your love to me, and you expect me to hang up?”_

 

Kyuhyun doesn’t dare breathe as the male’s point hits home.

 

He’s just confessed.

 

Sober.

 

“I-”

 

_“It’s okay, Kyuhyun.”_

 

Kyuhyun chokes up.

 

“How can you be okay with it?” Kyuhyun forces out, fisting the duvet now to fight how emotional he’s becoming.

 

_“Because I’ve known it for years,_ ” Donghae tells him softly, and it only makes Kyuhyun’s chest to tighten more.

 

Donghae has always known.

 

And he’s never once asked Kyuhyun about it again.

 

Kyuhyun hangs up.

 

 

 

 

 

A month goes by.

 

Ryeowook has settled into army life now.

 

Kyuhyun has just settled his own date.

 

He’s leaving just before Donghae’s own enlistment is done.         

 

Donghae hasn’t messaged him, and Kyuhyun hasn’t done so either.

 

Kyuhyun’s got himself back together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kyuhyun never finds out the reason why Donghae never asked him again about his feelings.

 

He never finds out the reason why the male sent those messages back.

 

By the time Kyuhyun is halfway through his enlistment, Donghae reveals he’s met someone.

 

Kyuhyun is just glad he doesn’t have to put a front on in front of the older male, his own service taking up his time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the time his enlistment ends, and Super Junior are one again, Donghae publically reveals his relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few years ago, Kyuhyun never would’ve thought he’d be able to truthfully say it.

 

His crush, his feelings, are gone.

 

He’s finally over Donghae.

 

Which is just as well.

 

Donghae is married now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He never found out if Donghae loved him back the way Kyuhyun loved him.

 

He never found out if the male ever saw him again as anything more than just a friend.

 

Kyuhyun thinks it’s better he never knows.

 

Knowing would have solidified the hold the unrequited love used to have on him.

 

Knowing would’ve have prevented him falling in love again.

 

 

 

 

 

  _Are you awake?_

_Please don’t be asleep._

_I’m drunk._

_And I need to tell you how much I loved you._

 

_And I still do._

_Just, not like that anymore._

**Author's Note:**

> *Wails* i cANT WRITE ANGST AND ALL I WANTED WAS KYUHAE PROMPTS AND TLIST WAS ALL LIKE, 'ANGST ANGST ANGST', SO THERE. I HOPE IT HURTS AS MUCH AS IT HURT ME TO WRITE THIS. 
> 
> THERE IS A REASON WHY I DON'T WRITE ANGST - I'M TOO SOFT, AND KYUHAE ARE MY BABIES. I CAN'T HURT THEM. 
> 
> Also, both the summary and the last text are both in their words. So, read into that as much as you want. Did Donghae love him back? Has Kyuhyun just been blind and it was too late? Have fun with it. I'm just gonna pretend that this fic doesn't exist now ^-^


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